Physically and mentally exhausted

I guess I'm going to type this out even though the big plan is to start using paper and pen again for my journaling this is easier currently. So D and I had alot of deep cleaning that needed done in our bedroom especially plus stuff like the bar and all that gets cleaned around but not actually done so trying to get things accomplished.

The whole funeral home thing wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. I guess probably because since she was a donor and because she wanted to be cremated they didn't do the whole casket thing because of EJ. I'm so worried about that girl. She's easily 350 lbs at this point. I don't know how to offer dieting advice without coming across like a butthole. I also know they can't exactly afford to buy meats, etc like we can. Do idk what to do really. I guess hope she decides to change things eventually.

I'm so exhausted my stomach was an absolute wreck with everything going on that I vomited and had the runs overnight and all morning and part of the afternoon. Trying to slow everything down now though. I just have to tough things out a couple of hours longer. We've been getting everything done.
I deleted Facebook and deactivated for a couple of days to work on my marriage. I can't stand the thought of it failing because we can't put our electronics down. Soo it is what it is.

Saturday is tomorrow

Ugh I'm totally stressing out. Time is sneaking up on us for the funeral and everything. I just don't think I can handle it. I want to but I just can not. We're going to be there for a short period of time but not staying from beginning to end. I'm obsessing with cleaning to try to get my brain off of things. I'd much rather be asleep since it's 4 am. I actually started to doze but ended up waking up. That's just how things have worked

I am not ok.

Today is 20 years since I lost my best friend, my Daddy! Gosh I wish I could have him back so very badly. I cry frequently just thinking about him and how much the world is missing not having him here. And yo add to everything Aunt Mary passed away on Monday. Poor Elaina just turned 16 and now she's going to be like me, have her mom, her closest parent miss out on all of her biggest and most important events in life. Gosh my heart is broken for her and just aches. I really hate that my relationship with Aunt Mary hasn't been as close as it once was. TBH I think I lost alot of friends and family members with the Guillain Barre because nobody knew how to handle things even though I'm not paralyzed anymore they just can't. But then Aunt Mary has gone through times of not talking to anyone or maybe it's because she feels bad because they're struggling and we couldn't help her and Sandy could because she seemed to be super close to Sandy still. Hell maybe it's Donald's skin color, maybe it's because I stopped trying the past couple years because I lost her numbers and she never answered anyways so why try. But now I feel guilty, but I always do. Then I get to wondering why not me?? I don't want to be on this Earth anymore? I'd give anything to be dead and in heaven but I'm not going to do anything to traumatize my husband again. I'm just struggling. I called Maryl's office today and left a message begging to be seen this week, begging for permission to increase my Klonopin dosage this week but nobody will call me back. I just cry and cry most of the time. I actually slept 7 hours because I crushed alot of my pills last night but did it too early because I hoped since it's been days since I've slept that I'd actually be able to sleep. Wrong again. So another day of waking up at 1 am and being up all night and day. I'm just struggling.

Power nap hell

Shit I'm so pissed off. I woke up at like quarter after 1 again when I fell asleep at 11:30. I am so damn mad, I'm tired, shit I'm beyond tired, I'm flat out freaking exhausted.  Life has to get better eventually.

Well going to try again

Feeling better

Feeling so much better today. I still have been up since 1:30 last night but I went to the gym this morning and got a good workout in. Thought it'd help me get some rest but the endorphins had the opposite effects and woke me up. Tis 7:30 and I'm in bed already hoping to fall asleep soon because I'm absolutely exhausted. My body hurts and I'm just ready for sleep. Got a damn good workout in though.

I have an appointment with Sarah tomorrow and going to ask for a referral to a spine Dr so I don't have to see Myers again. He's an asshole. But oh well. I'm going to make this short and sweet tonight!! Headed to sleep I hope.

Sigh migraine hell

Well migraine hell has hit and honestly I felt it coming on a day or so ago. Friday in fact from all of the crying. I pretty much slept almost  18 hours though, do I've been up all night. I'm absolutely exhausted but my body's not ready to rest because it's just not. I'm getting ready to take my morning meds and say screw it.
I'm just tired. Friday all the stressed caused me to end up in the ER from vomiting for hours.

I have to go to Sarah tomorrow because I hurt my left knee falling Wednesday night. Then I see a new therapist on Wednesday, i found a female one off breckinridge. But oh well. I guess I'm going to scoot off here

Fatso thought yesterday was bad...

How about the Dr actually calling you fat. I saw Dr Myers this morning and it was an epic fail. He did nothing. He seriously let me down then blamed every single one of my health issues GBS & CIDP included on my weight. Said all of his overweight patients claim they don't eat and whatever so I don't know, screw it. I'm laying here in bed and drinking a green apple Smirnoff. I need something to help me settle down. I hope I can. I'm laying here trying to not just start sobbing again. I cried myself to sleep earlier after crying all the way home from Shelbyville. I'm seriously done. I would rather be dead honestly but I can't do that to D so I go on for him! I hope he appreciates that.