So it's after midnight so technically today would be day 2 but this is my Day 1 journal entry. I just do not feel like writing it out by hand. My alarm is going off in 8 hours and part of the plan is aiming for 7 hours of sleep. I've been in bed for 5 hours because I'm absolutely exhausted from being up for the last 40 hours with the exception of a couple hour nap this morning and well yeah it's just an absolute shit show.
Anyways today royally sucked, argued with everyone all day it seemed. Tired of dealing with ungrateful assholes like my mom who has a case of everyone owes me and should pity me because a chest x-ray showed a suspicious spot on my lung and I've smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for 45 years and am a hypochondriac and want everyone to pity me so I'm telling everyone that I probably have cancer bullshit. Well I probably will regret saying this if it ends up actually being something but I don't have pity on someone who causes their own health issues. Just like I've been getting on Donald because Janet thinks he's diabetic after he's put the 40 lbs he lost with keto right back on by binge eating mostly carbs all over again. Now don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, I'm pissed at myself, I've gained 20 lbs because I've been eating shit and because I haven't been exercising and all but I've also been on steroids a majority of this time, my psych meds have probably contributed, the freaking Gabapentin increase isn't helping, yeah so maybe these are excuses but they're good excuses and I'm working on changing things but it takes time. I finally got D tracking his meals on MFP again just like I am. I'm in a deep relapse with my eating disorder so my body is probably in deep starvation mode because if I get 700 calories a day I'm doing good but most days, more often than not it's around 3-400. I'm going to start doing things like Bariatric eating with protein shakes a couple of times a day and 1 meal, maybe a snack. I need to get the scale moving downwards again. Not sleeping most definitely is playing a role in things too because when your body doesn't get the rest it needs it really screws with things. I don't snack or eat anything at night typically, in fact hell I exercise because my OCD is so damn crazy I binge clean until I can't anymore. Now that the damn dishwasher is broke I have to do everything by hand which blows majorly because well my eczema is flaring from stress. Everything in the world is stressing me out right now. Oh yeah and D won't fo his testosterone shots and actually lost the medicine so we have got to wait for the Dr to refill it. Thankfully I see Dr Smith on Tuesday so worst case scenario I can ask him to refill it for him. I just don't want the burden of kids at this point. I mean I fo but it's not like we can even afford our own selves much likely a freaking kid who's going to need diapers and everything else that comes along with babies. Just can't add the extra stress. Once I get through school I'll look into the foster care stuff more deeply but in all honesty I don't think I can handle loving a child for a year and having them yanked from me and the ultimate goal with CPS and foster care is reunification so unless there's a way for me to be able to request only kids who's parents can't get them back I think I'll just live with my dogs unless I get rich then I will pay a surrogate. To do foster care I've got to be able to not be admitted to a psych unit for 5 years too unless that's just the agency Rachel and Amer used. Honestly I don't know that D and I are going to be together in 5 years when I completely finish school because he is not always good for my mental health. He's a really great guy but he's also a huge stressor too. I can honestly say I know why he's never been able to maintain a long term relationship.
But anyways I need to set goals for well today.. and I think one will be to try to get my 15 minutes of exercise and the other is going to definitely try to do some kind of meditation. That's such a hard thing for me because it's so hard to shut my brain off to slow it down to be able to relax and make it work. It's so hard to not use my phone as soon as I wake up and to put it down for an hour before I try to sleep because I'm so restless at night but I'm going to try to start in lil increments of maybe 10-15 minutes and see how it works. Any progress is still progress. Sigh, I've taken so much med wise tonight and I seriously am so awake that i feel like i need to go clean the kitchen. My mom said she'd do it but as always her lazy ass didn't do it. She never does anything and with our ant issues we can't let stuff pile up. Not to mention it'll end up being another 90 minute session of me having to stand up, emptying and refilling the sink with fresh water with each new load that I do. It took 3 loads of dishes this morning because it was so piled up. I told her all she would need to do was the few dinner dishes. At this point stuff will pile up and she will complain she can't do it and or request and beg for my pills or else she won't do it. You know the typical addict bullshit. I hate having her here. I think we're going to have to talk to her about moving into Shepherd of the valley when we move to Frankfort unless we find something we can't afford because I seriously cannot handle the stress she causes so unless something BIG changes between now and January we're going to have to go our separate ways. She's causing problems in my marriage just like she did with Rich and I'm not willing to allow that to repeat itself. Sigh.. I really didn't think that this was going to be near this long but it really feels good to get it all out!! Shew but I think I'm going to end it for now!! Probably going to go clean the kitchen and pray it gets me tired enough to finally crash with giving me enough rest before pain management in the morning.
