Umm yeah change is coming

Yeah I have been seriously cheating on keto for a while. No more! I've become such a serious fat ass and I think the Saphris and or increase in Gabapentin is contributing too. I'm up in the 230s and I hate it. I feel like a fat ass. Seriously no more carbs for me anymore. I have to stay off. First off there was glucose in my urinalysis the other day and everything so it's not good. I can't handle this anymore, so gym time, I don't care what the damn Drs say or anything. I mean exercise and keto is better than sticking my fingers down my throat and starving myself like I've been doing and the diet pills and the laxatives. I guess it's safe to say I'm in full ED relapse and I don't care because I will do anything to get the scale moving in the right direction. I'm embarrassed by pictures of me and Wyatt today. I'm so glad the actual family pictures got cancelled because of my fat ass.

I'm definitely doing a bitwater fast for 24 hours at least today, black coffee, water only. I don't really care what anyone has to say. It is what it is. I'm such a fat ass. I want to get rid of this tub of lard. Tomorrow is gym day, I don't care. Donald isn't stopping me either. I will lose 10 lbs by this time next week. It's 2:05 a.m. Monday morning. I'm going to fast for as long as I can except protein shakes. I will lose this fat!

Just another manic Monday

Sigh, gotta love these nights where I don't sleep. Part of it is because I slept like all day yesterday. Unfortunately I had a killer migraine yesterday that wouldn't ease up no matter what I did and the meds knocked me on my butt do I crashed after starting the ham for Easter. Surprisingly enough my mom helped Donald do the rest of the cooking for Easter dinner.

So I started cleaning tonight because well there was nothing else to do. With kicking Do out partly because he's a freaking slob I want to have the rest of the apartment clean because then if he decides to try to take pictures or something to show a judge the rest of the apartment is clean. I just had to get all of the canned goods off of my counter and get my cabinets organized again and figure out what I'm going to need when the month comes for the next month grocery wise. It's going to be a tough money. Everything is going to be super tight but we will make it eventually but things just are going to be very tight especially without DJs income coming in. It is what it is and I will enjoy the peace and quiet of not having the constant moaning and whining from him too.

Life is just really crazy right now but other than the finances I really wouldn't change a whole lot.

New me..

You know this new me that's coming out is good and bad. Losing the whole codependent nature and mindset is a hard habit to break and becoming assertive with people you usually let walk all over you is even harder. I have always done my best to help people out, whether it be food, shelter, a couple dollars for gas, or something like that, just I've always been a people pleaser. But then that led to everyone thinking I'm a doormat and therefore treating me as such. I'm no longer that little dainty push over. When you do me wrong I'm going to tell you, and I'm going to cut ties with you and I'm not going to look back and feel sorry at all. I will no longer listen to empty words and promises. Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me. But twice isn't happening anymore. My inner asshole is I've and well and she's not listening to bullshit anymore. She's going to call it as she sees it. Have no intention to pay your rent or can't afford to pay it all because your priorities are screwed up? Sorry buddy, not my problem. A roof over your head should stand before anything else. If that's not your number 1 sorry bout your luck but you're gone.

Life as we know it

Sigh, things are changing and sometimes I really think change can be good, other times I really feel that it can be overwhelming, especially when it's alot at once.

I moved into Stoneridge when I first got out of the Richwood. Looks like we're going to be leaving this place behind because the new management company thinks it's okay to jack the rent up by $200 when this specific apartment is literally making me sick because it's overrun with mold that they are constantly having to treat. We are still looking for somewhere to go but think there's a possibility of something being open hopefully soon. I'm also looking at treatment again for the eating disorder except through an actual clinic that treats only ED. I just have to be well enough to get taken on. Add in trying to find funding to start school in the fall on top of all of my health stuff and constant infections and wow what a freaking mess I am. I see new immunologist next month, I see Cleveland clinic gastro in June which we have to come up with funding to get there and hotels, and back. Fun fun! Not exactly but oh well. Tired of vomiting all of the time, never ending. Constantly having a change in my dxes.. just really done.
Well I think that's all for now.