Today is 20 years since I lost my best friend, my Daddy! Gosh I wish I could have him back so very badly. I cry frequently just thinking about him and how much the world is missing not having him here. And yo add to everything Aunt Mary passed away on Monday. Poor Elaina just turned 16 and now she's going to be like me, have her mom, her closest parent miss out on all of her biggest and most important events in life. Gosh my heart is broken for her and just aches. I really hate that my relationship with Aunt Mary hasn't been as close as it once was. TBH I think I lost alot of friends and family members with the Guillain Barre because nobody knew how to handle things even though I'm not paralyzed anymore they just can't. But then Aunt Mary has gone through times of not talking to anyone or maybe it's because she feels bad because they're struggling and we couldn't help her and Sandy could because she seemed to be super close to Sandy still. Hell maybe it's Donald's skin color, maybe it's because I stopped trying the past couple years because I lost her numbers and she never answered anyways so why try. But now I feel guilty, but I always do. Then I get to wondering why not me?? I don't want to be on this Earth anymore? I'd give anything to be dead and in heaven but I'm not going to do anything to traumatize my husband again. I'm just struggling. I called Maryl's office today and left a message begging to be seen this week, begging for permission to increase my Klonopin dosage this week but nobody will call me back. I just cry and cry most of the time. I actually slept 7 hours because I crushed alot of my pills last night but did it too early because I hoped since it's been days since I've slept that I'd actually be able to sleep. Wrong again. So another day of waking up at 1 am and being up all night and day. I'm just struggling.
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